Why are some people not accepting of their deafness?
Posted by chillygurlz on January 8, 2008
I have a imponderables question about late deafness? I have always wondered why some people who become deaf late or just deaf, don’t appreciate their deafness? Why can’t some people who don’t accept their deafness, learn to accept their deafness? In my mind, I would ask those people, what wrong with being deaf? Personally my opinion, those people who don’t accept their deafness has never been educated about deaf culture and they never learned the great things we can do as being deaf, like the beauty of sign language and we tend to be more visual about many things too and there’s more to list. Some of us who can use hearing aids are capable of basically controlling how much we want to hear. I have a friend, who was born hearing but became hard of hearing as a kid, he accepts his hearing loss but he was also born in a whole hearing family and has problems with sign language cuz of his hands and the brain won’t get along. So it makes it hard for him to sign. He often gets rejected by deaf community for that reason. So he basically kinda given up deaf community. I would never do that though. I will always love being deaf and I always have fully accepted my deafness since I was a little kid… I have deaf pride in me… I think deaf culture is very unique to me… So pls do share stories with me and ur experience with the issue about some people who don’t accept their deafness.
Kim said
Hi Rita
I think many of us do accept our deafness, but maybe it only seems like we don’t because we accept it differently. I have just blogged about this.
I will say though, part of the problem with becoming deaf late in life is not the deafness itself. It’s the loss of lifestyle/community/way of life we’re used. to Friends drift away, our jobs become stressful, communication with spouse becomes difficult. . .all because of the deafness. If we could have everything we had before and be deaf, I think it wouldn’t be so hard. I am glad you asked.
Joseph said
It all depends on the social conditions, the presence or absence of the cultural stigmas and the timing of one’s life. Often it has to do with the world around them ..the one that they either adopted or were born into and how they approach the subject of being deaf.
For example:
A baby that was born deaf might come to terms with being deaf all his/her life. And might become proud of his/her identify as a deaf person because of the deaf community or culture that he/she later were exposed to. Depending on thebackground of one’s family and how they approach this.
One that becomes deaf later in life might be panicked because of how he/she were accustomed to be part of something and how people approach him/her…imagine how everything that once were familiar to that person now becomes alien because of how “different” he become in the eyes of people around of him/her.
Of course there is a matter of the majority versus minority…unfortunately we are the minority and the people that hear (hearing people) are the majority. This may play a factor in one’s decision on how to deem himself/herself and the world around him/her.
Education also plays a role as well in terms of understanding and communicating with the rest of the world. For example, the language accquistion is a major issue among the deaf community…I am sure you have read enough of DeafRead to see that. topic up and again.
An important but unfortunate aspect of the education is the command of English, a language that the majority in United States speak, and how you use it to express yourself, to obtain goals, set forth ideals, to get things rolling and to capture dreams.
That all depends on the personal success behind a particular approach to the language accquistion that one may had chosen from get-on that may play in one’s decision to accept or to reject the deaf identity,
John C said
Another long commentary by me (ouch), but there I go..I wanted to spill the beans, Rita
People who are late-deafened, they go through an adjustment period, and during the adjustment period, they face choices on whether to accept their deafness or challenge it in other ways.
For those who were born hearing, and became late-deafened, we have to give them time in becoming exposed to the Deaf culture, to find that they don’t have to lack a language, a culture, and most importantly, IDENTITY.
It won’t be easy because once they could hear, and how beautiful the sounds were to their ears. That is a big change into the world of silence, and using hands to communicate in ASL instead of using verbal speech. It’s a big change to their lives.
If they cannot accept their deafness, that is what they want. But if they accept their deafness, life becomes easier.
For example, the late-deafened might have had a career in music, or simply likes to play musical instruments or listen to music. Music has a transparent, calming effect that helps one to focus. Suddenly they can’t hear the music, so they have to find other alternatives to bring them into a calming and meditational mood, or find something else that soothes them.
That is a big adjustment for people to find alternatives when they have become accustomed to being in a comfort zone.
As for people who were born Deaf, their acceptance really pans out to how their parents treat them and look at them. If a parent refuses to allow the child to learn ASL, the child will feel something is missing, especially when the child meets a group of Deaf people using sign language in a public place, like a restaurant, or a movie theater. That can serve as an epiphany to the Deaf child who only knows the oralist method, or the cued speech method.
The parents need to nurture their Deaf children with love, with encouragement to have Deaf friends like themselves, the parents need to discard their fear of the Deaf community. It is only natural when a parent fears the Deaf community, because the parents do not know how to sign, and the parents want to know what their children are saying.
In short, sometimes parents don’t realize they neglect their children by depriving them to full access to communication.
Some Deaf people do have lipreading skills, if the hearing person doesn’t know how to sign, the work is cut out for Deaf people in straining their eyes to lipread. If the Deaf individual cannot lipread, and cannot read ASL signs, that person would struggle with acceptance of the Deafness, because that person doesn’t have full access to communication.
There’s frustration, insecurity, awkwardness, insufficience, incontinence, low self-esteem, low morale, and many other waves of emotions.
One thing which causes some not to accept their Deafness is pride, they worry more about how the hearing world views them more than how their fellow counterparts (Deaf people) view them. For people, pride can be their worse enemy. They want to keep pushing the “envelope” in being able to function without having to use sign language.
That is their choice, and their loss, that is, if they feel more comfortable in the hearing world.
Sometimes they fool themselves.
We have identity, and acceptance of our deafness, and we gain MANY friends in the Deaf world.
Either it is our gain, or our loss, it is our choice. Do we know what our identity is?
I have a Deaf identity, and I am proud of it, and am happier that way.
alan jeffers said
WELL i never see who being Deaf said i dont like myself being Deaf no meet in my life but i love being Deaf and like to challanage hearing people to teach them use sign langauge sometime i use speak both of way that would helpful better improvement education and i know some of my Deaf freind who their parent dont accept deaf child thought being handcapped and could not commucation children that how parent are afraid and take Deaf child send foster parent who had Deaf family. it make me sad but in my mind that deaf read vlog will help hearing parent learn accpet being Deaf will be better improvement edcucation advice to join and learn we can work together i know it hard to accept Deaf person that hearing want same as hearing child easy commucation each other but mostly time i think hearing will take class to learn sign langauge commucation with Deaf. i am proud i am Deaf person who god make me like person also i am proud my dad took night class for sign langauge with me, but my brother seem cannot accept to me he dont know sign langauge i told him it is time to me speak and watch me sign langauge who i am speak with my big brother but i love my sister in law who pick up fast sign langauge my sister law said i am watch you what you said i told my big brother my sister in law better than you but i still use my sign langauge who you accept me as brother but my brother want me use oral but i told them now i am became deaf world because i am in deaf freinds and my wife deaf and my school being deaf school no matter who am i being proud deaf . if you dont like it me being deaf too bad that me being Deaf person that i am still running sign langauge to teach to you. i am proud being teacher Deaf to teach you sign language anytime any where. dont let bite me and i am not bite you. my mom cannot accept me being wanna oral and my mom nag nag my dad what he said and now i am fed up and time to face my mom you had to learn sign langauge no matter what i am being your son and now my mom got gulp me and my dad passed away and now my mom gotta learn sign langauge commucation with me finally. i told my mom i am not bite you mother? my mom got wide wake up. whoa many years my mom never sign langauge depend on my dad now time for me stood up real face to face, i remember when i was little boy i told my mom that i am talk to you and my mom got scared of me nag my dad, i told my dad what is wrong my mom and my mom wanna me oral all my life , i told my mom i love sign langauge cause i feel good my hands work on me.
Bill said
I have to say, as a hearing person, into my 40’s, that learning sign after you have been thinking English for a long time is different, and difficult.
I have been reading a lot about the different way that a “prelingually deaf” person thinks – visually. I am the guy that can’t find stuff that’s right in front of me. It’s not my eyesight, it’s my underdeveloped visual perception and processing.
I wonder if I will ever not look like a two-year old when I sign?
deafmuse said
You will find acquired and deafened people get angry being told they are not accepting their deafness, they ARE, they are NOT accepting culture, or perhaps sign language. You need to understand that by comaprisons, acquired and deafened people do not get the help cultural deaf get, or have a cohesive grouping either, so a lot more isolated. A lot too, find it difficult to adjust to a different culture or lifestyle. Coping with deafness doesn’t mean you have to adopt deaf culture, or you are some ‘failure’.
anon said
I’ve been recently (two years ago) diagnosed with Auditory Neuropathy. So, techincally, I’m in the same boat as those “late-deaf.”
I’ve been told I’m not accepting my loss. Which, quite frankly, is not true.
deafmuse is half correct. In my case, I’ve been getting the run around from VR on finding a job. There is no “deaf”-centered group in my area (near UF) And the teaching hospital I’ve been going to wants me to learn sign. I REFUSE to learn sign, as Bill has stated: It takes FOREVER to readjust to a new language to be your PRIMARY.
Not to mention the bad apples from “Deaf culture” that really makes me shy away from there. I don’t mind if you accept “Deaf culture” but as I’m missing music, it’s hard for me to accept it. Why can’t /you/ accept that?
Barb DiGi said
Accepting Deaf culture doesn’t mean you can’t have music. We just turn it up louder and enjoy the vibrations. I know it is not the same but my point is that you can have your cake and eat it too.
I grew up in a Deaf family and always sign songs with my sister. There are plenty of Deafies signing songs out there that you can see. See my http://deafprogressivism.blogspot.com/2007/12/celebrate-deaf-rock-on-new-years-eve.html The band members are culturally Deaf (one of them came from Deaf family).
I imagine it is hard to adjust to something that you are not used to it when growing up.
kim said
Those of you looking for late-deafened on-line support, there is a great website of late-deafened and oral deaf I belong. It’s called Say What Club. http://saywhatclub.com/ It’s free. They are always there for you 24/7. We never judge anyone on whether they’re accepting their deafness, or how deaf they are, or if they’re acting deaf enough. Bill and Anon– drop on by, you’re more than welcome. Tell them Kim sent you and they will put you on my list. It’s a private club, so you will have to write a short bio, but it doesn’t have to be too detailed. After than you can lurk if you want or join in. It’s up to you. If you don’t like it you can drop out. Give it a try!
They’ve been my lifeline for over ten years!
Jean Boutcher said
Richard Roehm:
If you do not accept ASL and Deaf Culture, you would not have used ASL in vlog or participated in Deaf Culutre, including DeadRead.
appalled at jean said
Jean!
You are an intelligent woman. I am surprised you would stoop that low by telling Roehm something that stupid.
Richard is deaf. He signs mainly PSE in his vlogs. DeafRead is a place for all kinds of deaf people including him and you!
Shame on you, Jean!
deafmuse said
Jean you still having got the hang of this ! Lots of acquired and deafened people use sign language, and also other means to communicate, because they see it as a TOOL of communication and NOT, as part and parcel of the cultural Lifestyle. Indeed last year I did signed blogs myself on deaf read, by no stretch of the imagination do ‘Deaf’ peers consider me cultural at all ! Horses for courses, with due respect, If I want to make a view known to a dedicated sign using deaf person, then I would use deference to sign back at them, it won’t be brilliant, I am told it IS understood, I don’t allude to culture at all personally, I am, respecting the rights and assenting to what THEY use ! (A little thanks wouldn’t go remiss, instead of attacking people such as myself for being ‘not really deaf’), we are. Indeed acquired and deafened not only accept the deafness, they make major inroads into exploring what the ‘other side’ view is, unfortunately we will not always agree with it, because we found alternatives, we found these alternatives by sheer hard graft, and unsettling experience, it has made us, fairly independent of deaf culture and hearing, we had to adjust it wasn’t a ‘choice’ or ‘preference’ option ‘Deaf’ claim they have as a right, which few outside actually believe is the case, choice means you have the communications and ability to A or B, I don’t think the ‘Deaf’ have done that. I read many comments at deaf.read and elsewhere, most suggest “They don’t understand us, or our culture..”, prhaps we do, but rather too well ?
Amelia said
This discussion makes me realize just how far apart Deaf culture is from hearing, and wonder if we’ll ever cross the divide. Don’t you realize what a gigantic LOSS it is to lose an entire sense late in life? To be suddenly cut off from family, friends and community as you know it? To not be able to rely on sound the way you used to nearly every moment of the day? The world of sound is very rich and impossible to explain to a person who has never experienced it. It would be like explaining color to a person who has never been able to see. How would you do that?
Oh, and music — Barb, you just have absolutely no idea. There is so much, much more to music than a beat and lyrics. Rhythm is only one dimension of many when it comes to music. Harmony? Classical? Jazz? How can I explain….
Please read this article to get a glimpse of what it is like to suddenly and inexplicably lose your hearing as an adult (and then to regain it with a cochlear implant) Maybe it will be helpful:
http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2005/03/20/deaf_reckoning?pg=full
anon said
Amelia, on January 10th, 2008 at 10:43 am Said:
Oh, and music — Barb, you just have absolutely no idea. There is so much, much more to music than a beat and lyrics. Rhythm is only one dimension of many when it comes to music. Harmony? Classical? Jazz? How can I explain….
I agree. One of my Favorite Songs is by Matchbox 20, “Bent.” (I may show my age here, being young) One of the parts has a violin section within the guitar and typical rock fare. YOU CAN NOT GET THE SAME FEELING OF THE WAILING VIOLIN THROUGH VIBRATIONS. YOU CAN’T. Sorry about the caps, but I have to make that clear.
It’s like telling a blind person at an art museum “Oh, you can touch these paintings and probably get a picture based on the feeling!”
No, you can’t. It’s NOT the same. This is why it’s hard for me to accept my deafness, because I have lost one of the fundamental things that made me calm and relaxed. I enjoyed music. Not having it is like hell for me.
Amelia: Great article! In my condition, I have a CI. But because of the way my condition works, I CAN’T UNDERSTAND STILL.
http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/neuropathy.asp
Basically, I /can/ (at times) still hear music, but it’s garbled now. It makes me feel double-bad because I try playing songs I used to listen to, but I can’t make anything out.
Kim: I’ve checked the link, and I’m thinking of joining. But right now, I /really/ need a job-related support group instead of a general. It’s frustrating going to a job interview (after seeing a ton of “You need a college degree (that’s a seperate story). You need 2 years exp that you don’t have…” and trying to answer the “Well, we use hearing here. How can we solve this problem?” With a “well, I dunno… pen/paper is still the most hassle-free way to communicate with me.”
Barb: Like above. You have no idea, yes it’s like having your cake and eating it too. But in the case of the cake, it has no flavor!
Jean Boutcher: You are one of the reasons why I shy away from “Deaf culture.” Congrats on making me feel more strongly about being right on trying to go it alone.
deafmuse said
Amelia, so TRUE ! there has been a number of debates (Arguments really !), in the UK over this and clear ‘battle’ lines drawn between acquired deaf people and the cultural variety as a result. The basis of the difference is acquired deaf do not believe cultural deaf understand the misery of hearing loss, or support them that have this.
We have just ONE group in the United Kinfdom that offers support to those who have gone deaf as adults. They can only assist (As a charity), 15 people, yet acquired deafness accounts for 1,000s of people here, and near 8 MILLION people have hearing loss to some degree, the figures clearly state they have been abandoned to their fate.
A woman was quoted as suffering deafness rather suddenly and 17 years later had only just gained a support option lasting 2 weeks !
Cultural deaf said “They are always moaning at us, it’s not our fault they have gone deaf… we cope, why can’t they ?”, no it isn’t, but attacking these poor people does nothing for the cultural image either does it ?
Niq said
I really don’t have a lot of time to reply a long answer as I wish. But I have a question: if you became blind all of sudden, how will you feel? Confused? Lost? Lonely? Ashamed? Probably not ashamed, because you already overcame that feeling, if you had it when being around hearing persons. However, for someone that had never overcame a shock of losing a sense (hearing, sight, etc.) and does not know how to do things any other way will have a difficult time coping, specially if that person does not has friends and has never met anyone with that loss that knows how to overcome it. I have blind friends and they do very well (can work, clean, sew, etc.), but they tell me they prefer to be blind than deaf. I prefer to be deaf than blind. Of course, I became hard of hearing at six (6), my mother and sister were already hard of hearing, and my aunts, my grandfather, and my great-aunts too. So, it was sort of family affair being hard of hearing, despite we never talked about it because we never made an issue out of being deaf. We never knew about the Deaf culture until late 1990’s and it does not make us less deaf/hard of hearing. It does not make my family, hard of hearing for generations since the 18th century, to not accept being medically deaf. But every hard of hearing member of my family is really scared to become blind. Now I know that if I became blind I will have to find my blind friends to help me cope. I thank God for such influence. But if I had never met them… I would still not know that I could function as a blind person.
On the other hand, if you are asking about accepting being part of Deaf Culture, that’s another issue.
I have tried to get into the Deaf culture, but Deaf persons (hearing or not, CODA, etc.) do not like me because I think, talk, and act as a “Hearie”. I have been personally insulted by persons that do not know me, just because I grew up as a “Hearie”. Some persons of the Deaf Culture doesn’t keep in mind that hard of hearing persons are in the middle of… well, everything. For the Hearing I’m a deaf person… for the Deaf I’m a hearing person. I find it easier to be in the hearing world, as I can use ignorance to my favor. But in the Deaf World I’m a stranger, someone to not be liked. Still, I’m a minority and invisible in either world.
Some Deafies wonder why some HofH or Late Deaf Persons can’t accept the Deaf Culture, but is not easy to switch cultures. If you are a Christian person, you will teach your children into a Christian Culture. If your parents were Jewish, they taught you in a Jewish Culture. If you are Muslim parents, you are going to teach your children according Muslim Culture. The same goes for the deaf children of Hearing persons and the hearing children of Deaf persons.
Is not easy for a North American to understand Russian, so is not easy for me to understand ASL at fast speeds. Is not easy for me to think in ASL when my first language is not ASL (I’m from Puerto Rico, we speak Spanish first, and some have English as a Second Language). I have seen persons struggling to even Fingerspell because their fingers are short and fat. I’m a young person, I hate to imagine when it happens to an old person. I get depressed sometimes, and I hate to think how hard it is for someone that has actually heard. Their world is rattled down. Some positive people overcome it a get to enjoy and embrace the Deaf Culture, but most people doesn’t know there is a Deaf Culture, unless they meet actual Deafies or Interpreters.